The Power of Family Meals: How Dinner Time Improves Connection and Communication

Over the past week doing therapy and coaching for young men, I noticed a common theme. Families not eating dinner together. While this may seem like a silly or minute realization, the impact is profound. A common thread with the young men I see is isolation, social anxiety, and an inability to think deeply on topics. When a simple question of “how was your weekend” is met with, “IDK, pretty chill. Don't remember much” its makes it hard for the therapist to engage in the more important topics covered in therapy. 

How does this connect with not eating dinner as a family? Glad you asked! Growing up in a family that ate dinner EVERY night as a family, I took for granted the importance of sitting down, engaging in conversation with my family, and recapping my day. Most nights conversations were the same. “How was your day?” What did you do today?” “How was practice?” “How did that test go?” “Hows insert name* and their family?” “Your soccer tournament is Saturday, we are leaving early in the morning”. These are small, conversation starting questions that my parents would ask me. Not to dig into my life and hear my secrets, but to simply connect and hear more about my day. I was forced to engage back in conversation with them. Family dinners allowed me to think about my day, think about the past, and think about the future. 

Family dinner was a nonnegotiable in my family. “Michael! Dinners Ready”, ALWAYS meant that I would come down from my room or come inside from playing any number of sports outside, or come home from a friends house. Yes, there were times I reluctantly dragged myself downstairs or stayed outside just a littleeee bit longer to play “last point wins” (cant leave a game without declaring a winner). And if it took too long I would hear “MICHAEL! COME EAT” and I would run to the dinner table. 

The dinner table was a place for me to talk, vent, recap, plan, execute, and THINK deeply about my day. It allowed me to talk with my parents, get closer with them, hear how their days went, and learn how to talk THROUGH things, and not keep them to myself. I got to hear how my older brother played in soccer games, dealt with more mature issues (he's 4 years older than me) AND hear how my parents navigated those issues WITH him. The dinner table was not a place for yelling and screaming. It wasn't a place to swear, or be reprimanded for something we did wrong. It also wasn't a place for CELLPHONES. It was a place to sit together, with my family, for 30 to 45 minutes to an hour. It was a place where laughs, happiness, stress, sadness, and emotions could hold a place. It was a time to be PRESENT. 

From the young men I talk with, a family sit down dinner every night seems like a thing of the past. Young men are allowed to eat in their rooms, eat on their own time, not forced to sit and talk about their days. It allows them to continue the perpetual cycle of loneliness and isolation that they feel in the outside world, but now, in addition, in their own home. They are not required to think deeper about things, be challenged with questions, or even feel connected to their family. 

Whats the point of this? If you are a parent, struggling to connect with your child, or a child thats struggling to feel connected with your parents; have dinner together. Use this time not as a way to investigate into the deepest darkest secrets of your lives, but to spend quality, genuine, and PRESENT, time together with your family. Use this time to just simply talk about your days. The good, the bad, the funny, the ugly. Don't use this time to reprimand or solve the issues that need solving. Take this message as a chance to reconnect with the people in your household. If you find this helpful and want other tips and tricks, reach out to Michael Mello, LCSW at mellomindset.com to book a free consultation.